“Why can’t you just give me your number?” he asked.

“I have a boyfriend,” I finally managed.

“Who cares? I have a dog. What difference does it make?”

“I don’t want to give you my number,” I said, hoping he’d hear me this time.

This could have been the start of a horror movie, but luckily it was the end of my conversation with the eager beaver. I was 20 living and studying at a university in California when the tall charming guy approached me in broad daylight saying he was lost, asking for directions to the library.

“But you’re wearing a college jumper?” I gestured towards his UCI sweater.

“Okay, you got me. The real reason I approached you is cos I thought you were cute.”

If my life were a chick flick, an upbeat hopeful song would play and everyone would awe at how sweet and confident the stranger was for putting himself out there and complimenting me. But in that moment, I felt my personal space was being trampled over. I was carrying heavy shopping bags practically wobbling home from the supermarket alone, hoping this was a signal for the random American to leave me be, yet the guy continued to talk and walk with me:

“Do you read books? You look like someone who reads books. And where’s your accent from? It’s Irish, isn’t it?”

How does he know I read? Is this a line he uses on everyone? Has he seen me in the library? What if he follows me home?

This stranger appeared completely harmless. I was surprised that saying I had a boyfriend wasn’t enough for him to back off. I was raised to be polite to everyone I meet, unless it was a man in a van offering me sweets. Especially during daylight settings presumed to be safe like this one. But why has it come to a point where I have to change my tone and tell someone to fuck off for them to leave me alone? Why can’t people understand that saying ‘no’ means no. It seems some men are more likely to respect an imaginary boyfriend excuse than the real life woman in front of them (referenced).

Blindboy discusses how society LOVES painting predators as distinguishable creepy men wearing tracksuit bottoms hiding down alleyways. We hate when our set traditional beliefs are challenged or when experiences aren’t black and white but rather complicated and uncertain. We have many misconceptions about all that was taught to us e.g. ranking social status based on income / athleticism, judging intentions based on attire. A big one is presuming danger only happens in nightclubs and alleyways instead of in homes and workplaces. Dangerous people could wear suits, big smiles and speak in a soft tone. Your job or income does not determine if you are a morally good person. We need to dig deeper than surface level labels and stigmas.

Rom-coms love to romanticize the pursuit of people i.e. wanting what you can’t have. If a girl says no, that means you should try harder. P.S. I Love You and The Notebook are two of my favorite classics. In both, as in many other classic films or tv shows, the man pursues the woman who’s already taken and disinterested. We see the female protagonist in both films have their personal boundaries prodded at by the man to achieve his object of affection. Love movies glamorize a random guy approaching a girl in public and telling her she’s beautiful, sweeping her off her feet and not accepting no as an answer. Especially nowadays when dating app culture has lowered the possibility of bumping into someone spontaneously. What does this teach us? Ignorance and lack of respect is cute and charming?

But what about all of the people who have been harassed when they were walking alone?

Of course receiving a compliment is generally a wonderful feeling, but I think approaching someone when they are alone on a run, holding bags of shopping or in the middle of a task could be more frightening than flattering. If you are gonna take a risk and approach someone, consider the risks they are warned about each time they leave the house. Just be mindful by reading someone’s body language and listening to the words they are saying to grasp whether they are interested. It’s scary when someone who is physically stronger and more vocal is pressuring you for a number. Some people may react with: “But a guy asked you for your number on the street, isn’t that great?” Why do we look at these intrusive encounters as achievements? Why can’t we have more self-worth in ourselves without needing it to be validated by a stranger?

I’m now practicing saying ‘no’ more to people without worrying about making them feel uncomfortable, especially to random strangers. We shouldn’t have to make ourselves uncomfortable to boost other people’s egos. We shouldn’t have to create excuses or share our relationship status for a ‘no’ to be justifiable. We shouldn’t have to repeat ourselves more than once.

Please remember, whatever the scenario, just because someone says ‘no’ to you, doesn’t mean they are saying ‘no’ to you as a human being. They are setting personal boundaries and for whatever reason might feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Respect other people’s right to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Pressuring others is hearing what you want to hear instead of hearing what they want to say.