In Psychology, the term ‘habituation’ means you eventually grow accustomed to a disturbance the more you encounter it. For instance, a loud horn will sound more aggressive in a silent area compared to an orchestra of horns in a traffic jam.

I figured I would grow habituated to my new environment.

‘How’s your accommodation?’ my friend asked.

‘Good, yeah. The view and location is ideal,’ I responded, omitting the fact there’s no WIFI or aircon. It’s so dark I can barely see my surroundings never mind myself. There are no mirrors so it feels like a monastery. I wake in the middle of the night trapped in a tiny mosquito net. Construction men are outside my window at 8am every morning. I’ve had to improvise with a towel for a curtain. There’re little creatures crawling around my roof at night and I don’t know what they are — yet.

Stay positive, Saoirse. Focus on the good! Early 6am mornings, beautiful views, cheap rent, less time sitting around indoors on screens. You are in Bali! When will you ever get to live in a bamboo hut surrounded by green scenery again?

So I decided to put down another month’s rent in advance. Makes sense, right?

Ten days into my authentic Balinese experience and I started to get a feeling. I desired some sort of change. This feeling exasperated when I arrived home after a beach day (aka heat stroke and sunburn). As I searched for the light switch, I spotted a long tail wiggling beside my bed. I flashed my phone and came face to face with a rat. I was out of the hut quicker than my furry roommate. My human housemates seemed more concerned about the rat:

This is Bali. Give him a name!

Embrace the nature. At least it’s not one of the huge spiders or snakes like the last time.

You definitely scared him away – he won’t be back after that.

And for some bizarre reason, despite a sick feeling in my stomach, I returned to my hut – waving the flashlight on my phone more dramatically than a strobe light at a teenage disco. I poked the light switch on with my shoe, scared the tail would appear. Then I crawled into my bed, wrapped myself in the mosquito net like a baby in a pram. I closed my eyes and pretended the rustling from the roof was beautiful robins building nests.

I am safe. I am secure. There’s nothing to be scared of. I repeated like a bedtime lullaby. I wish I wasn’t alone in this. Being single never felt so scary.

My eyelids shut and not long after I awoke in panic. My natural instinct was to flip my body side to side like meat in a frying pan. The mosquito net prevented me from escaping. I eventually broke free then stood hyperventilating staring at my bed.

Am I going insane?

And then I spotted my friend in the same place we first met.

Am I the intruder who’s broken into his home?

We locked eyes for two seconds before he bolted, his tail waving goodbye as he crawled through a hole in the hut. And I ran.

Toxic positivity is telling people they should try be positive all the time even during negative experiences. I completely neglected my intuition and feelings by trying to look on the bright side. It wasn’t till I was pushed to leave and felt the freedom of staying in a new room in a new place that I realized how unhappy I was in the other.

Some of us have no choice on where we live. Some don’t even have a roof over their heads, nevermind one with rats.

But when you are in a position to choose and make decisions, choose you. Choose your values and listen to your feelings instead of what you think you should do or what other people would do.

On New Year’s Day, I wrote ‘health’ as my top priority for this year. That’s mental as well as physical. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes rats by your bed or a cough triggered from mold to realise it’s time for a change.

Since that incident, I had the most beautiful scenic drive in Bali yet to a beach area I wouldn’t have known existed had I not panic searched ‘cheap rooms near the beach’. I relocated and met many new people who are also ‘figuring out life’. I had two relaxing nights of indulging in Netflix completely alone. I have stayed in 6 different accommodations in the space of a week. I have unpacked and repacked my gigantic suitcase 3 times. Hopefully the room I’m in now will be the last one for a while anyway – or at least till that inner feeling revisits.

But if there’s anything my unticked to-do lists have taught me, it’s that we can only control so much of our everyday happenings. And maybe my furry friend wasn’t a bad thing afterall.