Have you ever wanted to say something, but a feeling inside pulled you back? A voice whispered: ‘Don’t, that’s weird.’

Have you ever wanted to speak up for yourself, but felt uncomfortable to do so? Maybe even unsafe.

How about a desire to speak up for someone else? Have you ever listened to a group of people talk negatively about someone, knowing it wasn’t right. Feeling bad for sitting there and being a part of the slagging and gossiping, nodding along silently or agreeing just to gain approval. I’m sure this is how Connell in Normal People felt most of the time (hence why panic attacks became a familiar friend).

I remember when I was nine years old, I moved to an all-girls primary school for a total of two months, actually maybe it was only a month, though at the time it felt like I’d been there a lifetime. I never really speak about this experience because I remember feeling so much SHAME for not making friends easily. For feeling weird.

I was actually buzzing with excitement at the thought of meeting new people when I arrived to that school – it felt like an adventure. Though, it’s funny because the primary school I was initially in was a few minutes drive away (so I don’t know what sort of thrilling change I was expecting on the other side of town). The OG school was an all-Irish mixed primary school I attended with my brother, and I made friends there from the moment I started. Had my own group of five besties, who I liked to compare to The Sleepover Club, alongside the rest of our classmates we played with. I was happy and never experienced social rejection. But English was always my favorite subject and I wanted to be at a school that spoke more English (forgive me, Ireland, I was young and naieve at the time). I always romanticised change and new experiences — I still do and often find it hard to stay in the one place or job. Although romanticising can be fun, it can also be dangerous.

My excitement and joy was soon crushed and transformed into shame, confusion and silence. You know that feeling when a group of girls are looking at you, whispering, laughing? I didn’t until I started at that school. Eye rolls as I volunteered to read in class or whenever I eagerly answered questions. “My mum said I have to invite her to my party,” one girl said to her friend as if I wasn’t sitting at the table next to her. I continued writing in my notebook, pretending I didn’t hear.

After a lot of crying and begging my mum to let me return to my old school, I was finally free, but that experience and those comments stayed with me. Looking back, I do think that short period shaped a lot of the shame I held around speaking up in school or the fear I had around making new friends and letting them see my weirdness. Something inside of me believed that my quirkiness was a disadvantage. A strange thing.

But Friends wouldn’t be complete without Phoebe. And aren’t we all a little weird?

Some of us might have grown up in a house where our uniqueness was viewed as ‘strange’ and discouraged so you were forced to repress it. Maybe some of the people who gossip were raised by parents who spent their time criticizing others, pointing out people’s flaws or viewing vulnerability as a weakness.

I am grateful that my family not only accepted my weirdness but celebrated it and played a big part in forming it. Unfortunately not all of your peers will do the same. And isn’t being a teenager just extremely painful for this reason. We’re all focused on what everyone else is thinking rather than what we’re thinking.

Jay Shetty often repeats a quote that blew my mind when I first heard it:

I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am.

The reality is, we will never know what other people are thinking. And we spend a lot of time filling in those gaps, telling ourselves stories and presuming we know how others see us. This then shapes how we behave and the decisions we make. The jobs we leave or stay in, the relationships we never have or the ones we stay in out of fear, the friendships we form, the holidays we do or don’t take, the hobbies we never try.

If your thoughts are always over-critical of yourself or others, take time to ask:

Are these opinions and beliefs mine or someone else’s?

Do I really believe this or do I think other people believe this?

Most of our thoughts and feelings are all just past experiences still floating around inside of us. Do yourself a favor and be open to accepting them without limiting yourself to believing them. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and back your uniqueness in a society that often praises pictures and people who look the same. We can’t control what people think of us or what thoughts pop up, but we can control our response to them.

Would you rather trade individuality for relatability for the sake of conforming and being liked for a socially acceptable image? Or would you rather embrace your individuality, risking being disliked by some but loved by those who accept you for your whole unique weird wonderful self?

I’m gonna choose me and I hope that you choose you. x