Do you ever try to convert your sadness?

Does it feel scary to think sadness could be yours? Something that you own.

Instead of telling someone you are sad, do you keep it hidden and trapped inside? Let it grow sadder.

We are taught that ‘sad’ is ‘bad’, excuse the unintentional rhyme, but it’s true. Many of us panic when someone comes to us feeling sad. Many of us might be struggling to handle our own sadness nevermind someone else’s.

In my personal experience, sadness isn’t anyone’s to own. It’s a visitor that comes to all of us at different times, some of us more often than others, and some for longer more painful periods than others. But it doesn’t last, and sometimes I find I can handle life better when I let myself feel sad, knowing it’s okay to feel this. It doesn’t mean I am sad. It just means that sometimes I feel sad and that’s okay.

We are living in a society that is obsessed with fixing and bettering each other. This sounds great on paper and I am sure the intention is positive, but I believe prioritising fixing while ignoring underlying problems and feelings of sadness can be a recipe for developing more insecurities and more sadness.

I’ve gotten trapped in the “I’ll be happy when…” mindset of staying up late writing, creating, pushing myself in the hope that I’d be happy once I got published, once I made the website, once I started a podcast, once I spoke with this podcast guest, once I moved country… Of course always showing up and pushing yourself can be a great admirable quality in many ways, but I learnt the negative consequences of this when my brother died. My body was in a torturous battle with my mind. I was overly critical on days where I felt sad. It hurt too much to move from bed nevermind create content and yet my mind was telling me that I was being lazy, I was never going to get published, I should stop lying in bed and start living the life that my brother didn’t. I honestly felt like I was worthless because I started to judge my level of worth as a person based on how much I was doing, creating and producing. How much people liked my content and liked my life choices. I began to spiral as friends and family would ask me what I was doing, how my writing was going and how I was. I couldn’t explain my obsession with producing; both the intense love and hurt it was bringing to my life. How it felt like the only thing that was bringing me life.

Until I learnt that I am loved for me, not just for what I do or how I feel.

I now try to be kinder to myself on days where I’m battling with my thoughts or with my body. I ask myself “what do I need today” and know that I’ll always try my best to prioritise my wellbeing. This used to mean doing everything I could to fix the emotion and stop the sadness and produce the best, but now it simply means letting myself feel the sadness, knowing it never lasts forever. It’s okay to rest even though sometimes it’s really challenging.

It’s okay to still feel sad.

Sometimes I still feel sad.

I read self-help books I still feel sad

I run on a treadmill I still feel sad

I move country I still feel sad

I go to therapy I still feel sad

I eat chocolate I still feel sad

I meditate on love and kindness I still feel sad

I shower and brush my teeth I still feel sad

I visit old friends I still feel sad

I make new friends I still feel sad

I laugh and smile I still feel sad

I tell people I feel sad I still feel sad

My writing gets published I still feel sad

I start a podcast I still feel sad

I post online I still feel sad

I get a ton of likes I still feel sad

He kisses me I still feel sad

I buy a new jumper I still feel sad

I stop drinking I still feel sad

I start drinking I still feel sad

People tell me they love me I still feel sad

So sometimes I let myself still feel sad.