I like going for walks, but I don’t like tracking my steps. I have nothing against anyone tracking their steps but I personally don’t like it. For me, it starts to make something so normal, and such a necessary part of my life, feel like another chore I have to tick off my list. I am so tired of ticking things off lists, actually I’m mostly just tired of feeling bad when I don’t tick every single thing off the list (which is most of the time since I love writing long lists). Recently, I’ve been writing up weekly lists rather than daily ones, cos somedays I’ll have more energy and enthusiasm than others. And sure, it all gets done eventually in its own way. So I refuse to get a tracking watch cos I feel I already have too many things I obsess over, I don’t need more. More reasons to feel I need to be doing better than I already am.

I walked over the road to a family member’s house the other day and they told me I was great for getting some exercise in. I hadn’t seen the walk as exercise, and once I was praised for it, I felt weird about it. I’ve noticed people will often praise you for being ‘productive’. For reaching goals. For ‘looking great’. And a good day will be based on how much work is done or how good you look rather than how you feel. Then, I find walking for pleasure or sitting on the beach or reading a book can be glamorised as a luxury for the fortunate few that ‘have the time’ to do nothing. Something that’s saved for a holiday away.

Now, I am well aware that it often takes a lot of hard work to reach goals, and there’s a lot of joy in discipline and persistence. And of course a celebration is in order when we get there, but sometimes it’s nice to let ourselves enjoy the normality of everyday life as we walk along this journey and be okay with ourselves on the days we aren’t excelling. To take time out to chill out and not constantly be hyperfocused on how much we are trying to better ourselves and fix ourselves. Instead, moving our bodies for fun, because it feels good. Eating a homemade meal cos it tastes delicious and it’s an added bonus if the conversation at the table is even tastier. Getting some fresh air and swimming in the water cos it’s food for the soul. Reading and watching movies because they’re comforting, enjoyable and interesting not just because you need to be learning. And there’s nothing wrong with learning, I love it, but sometimes it’s healthy for me to switch off from it and watch some mindless shit. (Trust me, I am only writing about all of this because they are challenges I struggle with it). I make an effort to try pay attention to how I feel and what I need on any given day, rather than just listening to what my phone, the weather, my family or social media tells me I need. This isn’t always easy, but I believe it’s gotten a lot easier.

I’ve now turned my screen time notifications off cos the other week I was informed it averaged around 5 hours a day. I then felt awful about what otherwise felt like a pleasant week. I started wondering why I was spending so much time staring at my phone and if it was ‘normal’. In all honesty, I use Google Maps way too frequently since I am brutal with directions (I used to be too stubborn to admit this and get lost a lot as a result of it), I use Instagram to create content, and I play way too much music every day and listen to way too many podcasts. Then again, who’s to say what ‘too much’ is as this measures differently for each of us and is a subjective view. Taking all this into consideration, I had to tell myself to get over myself and stop this imaginary comparison game to what ‘the norm’ is. I recently read somewhere that for every hour spent on our phone, we should try take a full hour off it (another suggestion for what to do). I sometimes go through hours of forgetting my phone exists, especially if I am lost in the flow of conversation or writing. This is normally my favourite feeling. If I am feeling overwhelmed, I intentionally put my phone on airplane mode, go out in nature, or don’t respond to messages sitting in my inbox so I can calm down the nervous system. Other days I’ll spend hours on my phone texting friends, scrolling mindlessly, watching reels and posting online. And that’s okay. This works for me. It might not be sustainable or the best, but right now it works. At the end of the day, who cares about the recommended ideal way to spend your day if none of it feels ideal to you.

I’ve recently been feeling happy in my body and it’s really nice to say that out loud (or write it on paper, saying it out loud would be a lot scarier especially in Irish culture). But I guess you could say I’ve been taking care of my body. Now, if some people saw my diet or lifestyle or figure they might think otherwise. I’m sure there’ll always be some know-it-all fucker lurking in the shadows waiting to inform all of us on how we could do it better. I’ve been eating a bit of chocolate most days (some more than others). I don’t restrict my diet but I enjoy a variety of meals that are for the most part not processed. I do love pizza very much. I don’t drink much, unless I feel up for it, and I haven’t felt up for it in a while. Saying that, the sunny weather at home has a funny way of making the Irish thirstier, and soon it’ll be summer. I’ve been going to the gym a few times a week, not sticking to a set routine. I swim in either the sea or the pool most days. Walk every day (slowly but intentionally). I’ve been dancing around the house more than usual and doing some yoga here and there. Sleeping and resting longer on days my energy and emotions feel crazier. And most importantly, I’ve been giving myself permission to feel my feelings even when they’re uncomfortable and confusing.

Today, I was stretching in front of the mirror and actually liked the look of my body so I decided to step on the weighing scales at the gym for the first time in a few months, even though I felt a bit on edge as I did. It told me I was 3kg lighter without having made a goal or intentional effort to get there. I was seeing a weight I hadn’t seen in years. My head trippled in size and I thought I was brilliant, feeling like I’d accomplished something by just simply being. The dopamine hit made me happy, for a moment, then my mind drifted to a familiar place of fear – wondering how I could maintain this weight. If I should push myself more and go to the gym more. And that, my friends, is called control. I’d to take a deep breath, acknowledge this need to cling and maintain something, then let it go. It’s confusing when things just happen and work out when we aren’t necessarily trying and forcing. How sometimes letting go a little can actually benefit us. I’m not saying losing weight is beneficial, even though I feel we were all brought up to think otherwise, living in a society that’s obsessed with looking better and producing better. I reminded myself that ‘Just because you can do something, Saoirse, doesn’t mean you should do something’. And obsessing over a particular number isn’t everything, and also just too much energy for me.

I’m not writing this post to celebrate that I’ve lost a few KG, to claim I’ve perfected the recipe to a balanced life, to state I like the look of myself, or to lecture all of you to stop tracking things. If there’s anything I’ve learnt from life, it’s that life is constantly changing. Our appearence is changing, our bodies, our experiences, our emotions, our thoughts. What works for me this month may not work for me next month (unintenional pun since May is around the corner…). How I feel about my body today MAY not be how I feel about my body tomorrow. My thoughts and emotions might be easier to accept in this moment compared to another. In my opinion, the numbers on a scale or results on an exam or money in the bank doesn’t define who you are as a person. But we may be hardwired to believe otherwise. These are all things that come and go and are difficult to attain and challenging to maintain, more so for some than others; all of this depends on a variety of factors. This morning I read about someone the same age as me that died unexpectedly and it was a reminder, again, of how unpredictable all of this is. How fragile and temporary all of it is. And we, as humans, love to predict and control and to know. But there’s no way we can know it all and have it all and maintain it all. That’s what makes all of this so scary. Maybe that’s why we love tracking things: to give us some sense of control and certainty in a chaotic world of unpredictabilities.

After my brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor, my family spent a lot of time wondering why, as did my brother, and I had a lot of people asking me ‘why’. Sometimes I smiled politely, other times I snapped at them impatiently as they offered guesses and opinions for what it could have been. As if I hadn’t already thought about it. As if I hadn’t already sacrificed many nights of sleep for googling and researching. As if my browser history wasn’t filled with ‘brain tumor causes’ and ‘brain tumor cures’ and ‘brain tumor survival rate’ and ‘successful brain tumor stories’. What was it? Was it his lifestyle choices? Was it football? Was it food? Was it genetic? Was it something he was born with? Was it this, was it that. What we do know is that it was a tumor less than 1% of people have that is normally found in the lungs, rarely discovered in the brain, let alone the brain stem, which is the worst spot possible to have a tumor. The surgeons had no explanation. No answer. There was no answer. I think one of the hardest things in life is watching someone you love go through something painful and awful without being able to fix it or control it or understand it. Without being able to take it away or do anything other than accept it and be with them through it. There was no guarantees going in and out of each surgery. The numbers and statistics and scientifc explanations and possible causes meant nothing when it came down to it. All we wanted to know was ‘Is he okay?’ and ‘Will he be okay?’ and ‘How can we make sure he is okay?’ It was complete helplessness. We had to lean into hope and love, taking it one day at a time.

So, there you go. Might seem like a bit of a bleak ending to a blog post that was meant to focus on the topic of tracking steps. But it sometimes takes bleak endings to burst our imaginary bubble of ‘happy endings’. It takes witnessing pain and injustice to realise how insignificant not getting enough steps is (in the grand scheme of things). I do think walking and any form of movement is great as I know it brightens my mood. I am a big fan of enjoying the little things and taking one step at a time. But maybe we don’t always need to track it to feel good about it. Maybe we just need to let go a little and let ourselves enjoy it.