I’ve always jumped at saying yes to many opportunities, not wanting to miss out on possibilities. Offered to take on responsibilities, extra duties, saying ‘that sounds good to me’. I’ve then had many a time where I’m getting ready to go somewhere and would rather be going anywhere else except there. Had many times where I’m conflicted because someone invites me to something that sounds more fun than what I originally said I’d go to. I then decide to follow through on the initial plan because I said I would and feel I should, then I’m riddled with FOMO. I’ve had times where I’ve felt stuck listening to someone go on and on, when I just want to dance and have fun. Feeling awful for thinking like this so staying by their side and comforting them instead. I guess you could call it fake, and for a while I believed it meant I was secretly selfish, but I like to think of it as wanting everyone to be happy but sometimes forgetting to follow what makes my heart and soul happy. Putting other people as a priority.

I’ve downed alcohol to assist me with this constant need to say yes because once I am drunk I start to care less. I have stayed out many times till 7am surrounded with strangers who I claim are my new best friends and been the last one standing (barely), determined to keep the party going when it was already gone. I’ve fallen asleep in bars, all because I didn’t want to miss out on possibilities of something fun or meeting someone, or maybe because I didn’t want to go back to my reality. I’ve let my imagination run wild about events and people that turned out completely different to what I thought or expected they would be. Sometimes in the best possible way, other times in the worst possible way. Most of the time, somewhere in between as they played out in their own unique unusual way.

I spent one summer spamming loads of magazines and newspapers across Europe and America, struggling to accept any sort of rejection and motivated to keep going till an opportunity as an intern presented itself. I was later awarded a chance to study abroad at a university in California instead,. All of my time spent worrying and drafting emails and researching was unnecessary since a better opportunity presented itself. I guess I’ve always enjoyed pursuing things and proving myself but, thanks to therapy, I know that’s rooted from insecurities as well as a constant drive to be better. I’m learning that letting go and admitting ‘no that’s not for me’ opens doors for more fitting opportunities, at least that’s what I think. Just because I am aware of this doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Two weeks ago, I was supposed to host a workshop event, but days before I had a low signup so contemplated whether I should push it and put a lot of energy into making it happen. But instead I decided to let it go and cancel it. It wasn’t worth my while and it took me getting over a lot of guilt and shame to admit this. Reassuring myself it doesn’t mean I am a failure or I am unmotivated. The day after this decision, I met with a friend who told me she was going to Uisneach festival that weekend. I’d never heard of it but happened to get a spare ticket. It was all so last minute and it was all so easy. As if I was meant to be there and letting go helped bring me there. I was jumping and screaming with excitement when I got the chance to go. It was one of the best days I had in a long time. I felt so at peace. I wouldn’t have been able to go if I decided to follow through with the workshop. I was so thankful and happy.

So sometimes I wonder if letting go a little is better. If saying no when it’s not a fuck yes makes sense, taking away this pressure to go to something or be around people you just aren’t sure about for whatever reason. I think I have spent long enough doubting myself and saying ‘yes’ to every person and opportunity, scared to miss out. It’s disconnected me from knowing what and who I actually want and need. It’s disconnected me from myself. Leading to burnout or days lying in bed resting and recovering from oversocialising or overworking. Since my brother died, I’ve been forced to stop and follow what feels best for me, because when I don’t I end up in complete agony.

My top values are ‘Freedom, Play, Creativity, Love, Curiosity, Spirituality’. So if you are close to me, I am warning you in advance I like to take life one day at a time. I feel happier when I have the freedom to move around and change my mind. It’s taken me my whole life up until now to honor and accept this rather than fight it and push it away. I enjoy meeting new people, trying new things, visiting new places. It doesn’t mean I don’t love things deeply, because I do. I just love many things and many people. If you are close to me you’ll know it means I love you. But I just need space to explore and wander and set my heart on fire. So this summer I am saying yes to me and all of the possibilities that come with that. If it’s not a fuck yes, it’s gonna be a no. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you though. So don’t take any of it personally. It’s just the way life works for me. Following my gut instinct. At least that’s what I think. Sure we’ll see how it goes.

We can only control and plan so much.