I’ve gotten better at letting people down.

This might not be a popular characteristic anyone would be bragging about or aiming for, but I’ve learnt keeping everyone happy isn’t attainable or possible. We should not be putting ourselves and those around us on a ridiculously high pedestal; setting extreme standards to be worthy of love.

Emotions are unpredictable and triggered for a range of reasons. We could all encounter the same experience but each of us will react in a unique way as we view the world through a unique lens. Every person has walked their own path in this world and attached their own personal meanings to certain circumstances. Even you and your sibling won’t see things the same regardless of being brought up in the same home. You still had your own relationships with your parents and have likely wandered down your own path since childhood, discovering new ways of looking at the world.

Have you ever felt stressed trying to get out of a plan you weren’t feeling up for? Let’s say you can’t go to your friend’s party, but you are scared of how they’ll react. Saying “I can’t come to your party” triggers this particular friend into a meltdown. It might remind them of a time when they were younger and nobody came to their party, leading them to feel that intense shame and rejection all over again. They lash out at you and you apologise. However, upsetting them was not your intention so this meltdown is not your fault. It is not your job to prevent this as you didn’t cause this or intend on making them sad. Saying these words won’t help though so you just stay quiet because that is what feels safest. Nobody can make you feel anything, but it helps to be curious about why each of us react differently to particular circumstances. It helps to be compassionate and see past the surface. It helps to try understand your friends better and for them to try understand you so you can work on the relationship together rather than fight each other.

Someone else might be super chill about you not coming to their party and say “That’s all good. Don’t worry about it”. Maybe they had a controlling partner, parent or friend who would criticize them any time they didn’t live up to their expectations or follow through on plans, so they understand what it’s like to feel fear of conflict and wouldn’t want anyone else to experience it. Maybe parties aren’t as important to them as getting a heartfelt meaningful message could be. Each of us prioritise different things. Each of us struggle with different things because each of us have had our personal experiences and upbringing in this world.

There’s a big difference between letting other people down and letting yourself down. Some may say prioritising yourself is selfish, but isn’t it better to be full of yourself rather than less of yourself? Self-less isn’t very admirable if you can’t recognise yourself or don’t fully believe in your reason ‘why’, if you are saying “I am fine” through gritted teeth. Can you be full of yourself and caring at the same time though? Can you care about yourself and prioritise the people and things that matter to you, instead of caring about everything and everyone? Can you be aware of other people around you and approach them as well as their reactions with curiosity rather than being scared or critical of them? Can you choose to water and flower relationships that feel healthy and important to you rather than trying to maintain a garden? Can you take time to fill up your water can by doing things that make you feel a bit better?

Life isn’t always going to be easy and we will have to suffer for certain things and people. But we get to choose who and what is worth suffering for. Hopefully your main priority isn’t simply how you appear to the outside world and it’s more in line with how you’d like to show up and feel in this world. Some of us want to avoid conflict so bad that we will say yes all the time and try to be nice. It could be for fear of having no friends, it could be for fear of not being liked, it could for fear of getting yelled at. But constantly walking on eggshells might hurt more than diving headfirst into the ocean. Gerry Hussey believes there are really only two human emotions which all others stem from: love and fear. He believes we should ask ourselves “What would love do?” and always follow love instead of choosing fear. Choosing to express our truth and fight for what we believe in is a form of love, even if it is difficult and upsets others.

I’ve gotten better at letting people down, but it still hurts. I struggle to be okay with people being disappointed in me, but it’s not my responsibility to fix that nor is it their responsibility to hide how they really feel for fear of upsetting me. But it is our responsibility to communicate honestly with each other and work on our relationships together if we really want them to last. We are all human and none of us are perfect. Conflict is a part of life. All of us are different. Conflict and change is what makes any story interesting and allows room for growth, but learning/unlearning how to deal with conflict is hard. Habits and coping mechanisms don’t change overnight or fully disappear. I’d love for all of us to be happy in ourselves if we could be and to be okay with each of us always choosing whatever makes us feel a bit happier in ourselves. Then hopefully that joy will ripple onto those around you. But I guess we have to start by choosing ourselves, our values, and what/who makes us happy, even if that means letting others down.