I’m waiting at the airport for my flight. It’s not a major one. It’s a short flight and the airport has plenty of space to move around without bumping into people. Walking through security was a breeze, but I still got here early because I like being in the in between phase.

There’s something dreamlike and romantic about being between two places with different time zones. Simmering in the anticipation of what’s to come and reflecting on all that’s passed. It’s been almost six months since January. The longest day of the year seems like a good time to reflect on what’s happened since then and what direction I’m heading in next.

An accumulation of random encounters and intentional decisions have gotten me to where I am today as I write this in Amsterdam airport. Sometimes it feels like we have total control over the outcome of our lives and other times it feels completely out of our control. Believing that you are responsible for everything in your life can leave you feeling overwhelmed and anxious always anticipating what’s next. No matter how hard we try to push and force things, it never goes exactly the way we want it. No matter how hard we try to make people love us, we can’t force connections and feelings.

Believing that you are not responsible for anything in your life can leave you depressed and careless. I read a quote that said ‘Whatever you aren’t changing, you are choosing’. A lot of us linger in the in between phase of waiting. Waiting around for a flight to depart or for someone to come along or a promotion to happen or a better day to arrive. We spend too much time analyzing and thinking instead of moving and doing. We are too scared to take a chance, to fail, so we stay still instead, living in limbo. In the in between.

Yesterday, my friend and I talked about treasure hunts. I said:

‘What if life is one big treasure hunt where we are all just following clues to figure out what the next right step is?’

We’re all searching for treasure but the joy is in the searching and figuring things out along the way. The in between phase. We can never be fully sure who we will meet along the journey or where this treasure hunt will lead us, but we can chose to follow what feels right for us. And sure, if you mess up and go off track or make a mistake, there’s learning in that too.

A quote I like is ‘The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph’. I’ve reminded myself of this when feeling low. If you’re in a waiting phase and feel lost, know that sometimes you need time to rest and retreat and paddle through the uncertainty before being ready to take off on a plane. Last year, I caught a lot of flights, moved around every month, and learnt that it’s not any one destination that will make a difference to my wellbeing. It’s not one job or one person. It’s what’s inside of me and how I relate to myself that matters the most.

I’ve waited around for other people and outside events/accomplishments to save me. I’ve hoped for acknowledgement, love, success and acceptance. I’ve looked to others for approval, mind-guessed their opinions, craved affection, fed off validation, chased potential, longed for dreamjobs and the perfect partner. There are people I thought I’d get on with who I just never managed to click with in the end. There are people I believed were so different to me who ended up close friends. I’m learning that this is okay. Life is full of surprises. Friendships and relationships shouldn’t be forced out of fear. They shouldn’t be taking more from your life than adding to it.

Social rejection has always been a big fear of mine. I’ve learnt that if you don’t pursue your interests and express your authentic self for fear of what others will think, you are rejecting yourself. Which, in my opinion, is the most painful rejection of all. When you repress parts of yourself, you aren’t giving people a chance to uncover all the wonderful complex layers of you. Those who are meant to be in your life will be easier to see when you’re living a life that feels aligned with who you are.

Throughout this year, I’ve been on a journey of learning to accept and love myself more without needing others to do the same. This journey might be neverending but I am just happy to be on it. It’s like a lifelong commitment to myself (marriage without the other person). This journey has required a lot of trial and error of trying new things and meeting new people, but I’ve also allowed myself to retreat from the world, slow down and spend time alone in nature. To be okay with the not knowing, the self-doubt, the uncertainty. Waiting around for people to notice you is more painful than looking in the mirror and telling yourself who you are. If you aren’t sure of who you are, there is plenty of time to figure that out.

I don’t know exactly what the next six months will bring, but I’m feeling excited about them and have more of an awareness of myself and the things I like to focus on. I feel a giddy enthusiasm and an inner knowing that ‘it’ll all be okay’. I don’t expect that I’ll ever fully arrive or feel totally satisfied with my life. There always seems to be a next thing that I’m constantly moving towards, but I am taking my time instead of running and leaping. I do know that I have a lot of blessings in my life which I’ve started to wake up to. I do know that I’m not perfect so I’ve invested less energy into constantly fixing myself because I realise I will never be fixed. I do know that every other human is imperfect too, even the most ‘perfect people’ mess up and have their demons.

This in between phase of my life has been incredibly lonely. I have felt so alone and at times I thought it was because of the people around me or because of the lack of people around me. It’s been frustrating visualizing what I would like my life to look like but feeling so far away from it. It’s been challenging taking chances, trying and failing, dealing with rejection, and, of course, grieving my brother.

I believe what I have been craving the most wasn’t actually the dream partner or the perfect job or complete happiness. It wasn’t fitness goals or a travel destination. It wasn’t total social acceptance. The person and thing I have been craving the most, apart from my brother, was myself. It took me a while to figure out who that was. Who I am. It took a lot of digging deep with honesty, humility and bravery. This was easier to do once I stopped forcing myself to be like anyone else and stopped waiting for something or someone to save me. I stopped running to the next flight and chasing the next thing. I allowed myself to sit with who I am in the in between phase. To trust in this process as well as myself without having to have it all figured out. As I set off on this next flight and come to the end of this blog post, don’t be fooled into thinking I’m ‘healed’. I have many moments of self-doubt about what I am doing with my life and where I am heading next and why I did this or said that.

But I do know, that whatever journey I embark on, that I’ll be there to keep myself company.