I’m sensitive but you might not always see it. I wouldn’t want you to be worried about it. It’s got nothing to do with you. I promise.

I just need space.

I’m not offended by what you said. I’m impacted by it and now I don’t know what to do with it. I walk around picking up all these emotions and feelings, passing people and noticing pain. You’ll hear people suggesting “look away” and “shut yourself off”. But why does pretending and avoiding hurt more than feeling? Sometimes it’s all too much so I have to disappear and switch my phone off just so I can hear me. I watch movies, listen to music and read beautiful poems so I can release all of these emotions bottled up inside of me – ones that were never mine to keep. You ask what’s wrong with me and I can’t explain it logically. There is no rationality, no words to use or clear cause except for ‘sensitivity’.

A therapist told me it’s a gift being able to feel deeply as long as it’s used wisely. My friends call it empathy. I used to call it anxiety. Others told me not to take things so personally so I started hiding all these feelings inside of me. I just wanted to keep the peace with everyone around me, but when I am fixing and pleasing, I start an inward battle on me and struggle to know what it is I actually feel.

I started sharing my emotions on paper when I was a teen. That way I didn’t have to worry about talking with a person standing in front of me. I could just create and try understand what was going on in privacy and maybe one day let it be seen.

I read that sensitivity is like missing a layer of skin. It must be why I can feel chilly when there are dozens of people around me. A crowd can warm me up and leave me electrified with excitement from the buzz of it, craving more of it, or I can feel frozen if there’s tension and judgement. If there’s too much going on I might try to drown it all out with distractions like alcohol. I’ve been told to toughen up as if that’ll stop me noticing when someone or something is a little bit off. As if I can switch into a careless robot.

Many people have called me brave for doing things on my own. It’s weird being called brave for something that feels as easy as breathing. I often feel relieved when I put my phone on airplane mode, but other people call this an act of ‘self-control’. Sensitivity might sound like a limiting belief, yet acknowledging it has actually helped me make sense of why I sometimes feel things so deeply and why I often need space for myself to process the world around me. It’s helped me understand that what I am feeling is not always because of me or my feelings. I realise now how much of an impact certain people, places and content can have on me.

I used to think there was just something wrong with me whenever I’d be up and down like a yoyo feeding off the energy around me. I’m not advocating becoming a recluse as I truly believe close relationships and a sense of community is so important for our belonging and joy in this world. I also love challenging labels and limiting beliefs, blooming into new versions of me. But awareness has helped empower me and think more positively about my own mental health & lifestyle choices while being mindful of boundaries. It’s a trait I’m proud of that I’m tired of shaming and hiding. Since I stopped pushing myself to get involved in lots of social settings and instead started taking more space to myself, and literally spending time in the open space of nature, I feel much more grounded within myself and connected to who I am.

“Why do you care so much?” my brother once asked me when I was highly frustrated at the way someone spoke to me. I didn’t have an answer back then and it really annoyed me.

Now I call it ‘sensitivity’.