How can I help?

It’s weird there are some people who always know exactly what to say in difficult conversations, then other people manage to blurt out everything they were warned not to. It’s strange how some people know exactly what to do in difficult situations, whereas other people freeze up and tap out. It’s weird how some people run a mile away and disappear during a difficult time, whereas there are other people who, no matter how hard you push away, will stay.

‘Helping people’ is something I value, and I believe all of us are capable of doing it, we just do it differently. We all help people in our own unique way every day. Some of us tell jokes to make our loved ones smile. Some of us are able to fix anything that’s broken, whether it’s the TV monitor or a wobbly chair. Some of us are always only a phone call away, ready to collect loved ones to make sure they get home safe. Some of us smile at strangers on the street and listen when they stop and say “hello”. ‘Helping people’ is something we all engage with on a daily basis, whether we are aware of it or not, and I think that’s pretty beautiful. It’s like we’re silently whispering ‘I see you. I care about you. I am here for you.’ Though sometimes we forget about helping the one person we have to live the rest of our life with:

Ourselves.

‘Helping people’ is a skill that’s necessary when applying for job positions like teachers, carers, psychologists, but I believe it’s a quality that’s relevant in all areas of life. Think about it, if we had to complete applications for being a romantic partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend…. ‘helping people’ is a quality we would all rate as important. But the thing is, sometimes we don’t see what’s important until things get serious. Until things get difficult. And who wants to sign up for ‘serious’ and ‘difficult’?

When my brother got sick, people told me I was great for spending time with him. People said it must have been difficult caring for him. To be honest, caring for my brother has always been the easiest thing in the world, because he’s my brother. Watching him in pain, watching him suffer and watching him die without being able to do anything about it was the most heartbreaking thing in the world – because he’s my brother.

We don’t realise the importance of caring for ourselves until the people we care for so deeply disappear. I have fallen head over heels into relationships as well as friendships. I have lost myself in other people time and time again and I have also discovered parts of myself in others. Maybe this means ‘attachment issues’, or maybe that’s what life is all about: figuring out who we are in all the people we love and lose. Trying them on like a new outfit and seeing ourselves like a new person because of them. Some will always stay close to us. Some will keep us warm for a season. Some, no matter how much we want to keep hold of, we have to let go. Some will be taken from us in the middle of the night without a goodbye. I don’t think it’s good to pick people up and put them down like clothes, but I know it’s not good to wrap your whole life around another person, especially if that person isn’t you. To base your value off of what one other person thinks of you. To determine your happiness based on another person’s happiness. Though the thing is, even though I logically know all of this, it doesn’t stop the heart from doing what it does. From feeling all the feels. From loving beyond condition.

So how do we stop ourselves from caring ‘too much’? I am not sure I have the answer to this. But I think instead of choosing to not care so much about people, or to care less for others, I think we should continue to care about people and the things that matter to us, but we equally have to start caring more for ourselves. I don’t think love has a limit. Just because I love one friend deeply, doesn’t mean I can’t love another friend just as much. Just because I love myself, doesn’t mean I can’t love everyone else. I do believe we can love many people deeply but I do think each love is different. And that’s what makes people and life so beautiful. No one connection is the same. Everyone has something unique to share with us.

But helping people and caring for people is not the same as fixing people. Nobody enjoys being constantly told how they could be better. Nobody loves hearing everything they did wrong. You might spend lots of time and energy exhausting yourself out from trying to ‘fix yourself’, pointing out everything that’s wrong instead of reminding yourself of what’s right. But then maybe you have no problem accepting your friends for who they are and how they feel without trying to fix them into what you feel is ‘right’. Imagine how different life would be if you could put more energy into letting go and accepting your feelings? If you could tell yourself ‘I did the best I could with what I knew at the time’ and then continue to grow and learn from that.

I have gone through painful breakups and losses. One of my best friends died from suicide. My brother died from a brain tumour. Every time I have lost someone, I wondered what I could have done, how I could have helped, why did this happen. I tried to bounce back and fix myself into a state of happiness. To live life fully, embracing the opportunities they didn’t get to live. But the truth is, losing people is fucking devastating and painful and confusing. Putting on a performance pretending you are fine amplifies that pain. I now know that love isn’t just about how much you do for others. Love is how much you see and show up for others as they are. How much you give them space to be who they are and how much you encourage them to grow. Self-love isn’t putting on a brave face and smiling for a camera. It’s not forcing yourself to be perfect or berating yourself for every mistake. It’s taking time out to be real with your feelings and letting people love you even when it’s messy. I think maybe a lot of people become resentful and miserable and cold because putting a guard up feels safer than being emotional and vulnerable. Yes, opening ourselves up to love and intimacy feels scary, because we know loss and rejection is painful. But god, living a life full of love and heartbreak sounds better than living a life full of bitterness and resentment.

I decided to write this blog post because it’s brain tumour awareness week and I’m trying to encourage carers to take time out to care for themselves. This isn’t limited to carers of those with brain tumours, this is relevant for people who care for anyone whether due to physical, mental, emotional circumstances. Losing my brother was without a doubt the worst thing to ever happen in my life and I don’t know if it will ever feel ‘real’. I can’t put into words how much I cared about him and how much joy he brought to my life. I can’t put words to the sadness that has since become a regular visitor. But losing him has forced me to learn how to take care of myself.

Taking care of myself looks like having more compassion for myself when sadness does visit. It means giving myself a pat on the back when I’ve done something difficult or accomplished something I’ve been working towards. It’s letting my body rest even though my mind is screaming at me about my long to-do list. It’s crying and being vulnerable with others instead of bottling it up and telling them ‘I’m alright’. It’s saying ‘no’ or cancelling when it feels like too much. It’s taking a deep breath when someone disagrees with me. It’s talking and writing about my brother even if others would rather forget. It’s remembering I do not need to be healed and fixed before I can be worthy of love and connection from others, but knowing I can show up just as I am, imperfections and all. I no longer base my self-worth off how much I do for others or how much they like me but I remember I am loved for who I am in all my complexities. Being who I authentically am and honouring my feelings liberates others to do the same.

So, if caring ‘too much’ for people is your weakness, I am hear to remind you that it’s one of your greatest strengths. You just need to learn how to use it on yourself, to use it for yourself, so you can taste the magic of being cared for too. And if you take care of yourself, you really will be more able to take care of those around you. But, be very patient. It takes time getting comfortable with being kind to yourself when you are so used to fixing yourself. Keep on filling your cup up with love and allow others to pour into your cup with their love too. You can only do so much in a day but you can choose how you want to spend that day and who you want to spend it with. Love isn’t limited, but your daily energy is. Take care of yourself. Remember to rest and recharge. We’re all here together on this spinning blue ball taking part in the greatest love story of all:

Life.