Why does sharing my true honest feelings with a room full of people feel more terrifying than jumping out of a plane?

Why does the opinion of others have the capacity to hurt me more than my own?

I know people say ‘fuck it’ and ‘yolo’ and ‘don’t let them bring you down’, but I can’t help letting it bring me down. No matter how much I self-love and talk positively to myself, I still feel the blow of rejection and criticism.

Why? Because I’m human.

I know I shouldn’t give my heart, my power, and my worth away to others, but sometimes I can’t help it. I crave acceptance. I crave connection. I crave the relief of knowing I’m not the only one who thinks like this or feels like that. I crave that feeling of fulfilment having made someone’s life a little easier, knowing I helped make things a bit lighter. Is that a selfish thing to say?

But if I’m not receiving much fulfilment in my own life, this can lead to resentment at myself and others. If I’m not communicating my needs, then it can leave me feeling lonely and misunderstood. I crave affection and being cared about.

Why is that so scary to admit?

Social rejection lights up the same parts of our brain as physical pain. Knowing this tells me that my body interprets rejection as a literal hit, a punch to the gut, a squeeze of the heart, but the knowledge doesn’t make it any easier. It’s not the long silences or criticism that’s the painful thing, it’s the story I’ve attached to them and what they mean about me. It’s not the ‘unfollow’ or ‘seen’ that’s the painful thing, it’s the story I’ve attached to them and what they mean about me.

I encourage people to speak their truth, to take up more space, to stand up for their beliefs, to express sadness and anger (in a safe way). Even if it makes others uncomfortable. Even if it makes you uncomfortable. I feel like a hypocrite because this is something I still struggle with. So maybe I’m just sharing the words that I need to hear. I’ve always appreciated the person who will speak the harsh blunt truth rather than the person who will tell me a kind lie to not hurt my feelings. Even if it’s not what I want to hear, sometimes I need to hear it.

All feelings are okay. But not all actions and situations are okay. Anger and sadness aren’t ‘bad’. They motivate change. They give life meaning. They remind us of our values. They show our humanity. Anger can be destructive, or it can be protective. And it’s okay to want to protect yourself. We are allowed to protect ourselves. And we all do protect ourselves in peculiar ways without even realising we are doing it: by grabbing another drink, scrolling online, gossiping, fidgeting…

Boundaries have become the new trend for protecting ourselves. Boundaries are great, but they can push people so far away that we’re left all alone. Being emotionally aware is great, but we can be too hyperaware that we change who we are just to keep the peace. Communities are wonderful, but if everyone thinks the same it can become a cult.

If our end goal is to avoid discomfort of any kind in life, then we will be faced with lots of conflict and disappointment because discomfort is inevitable. Maybe we need to learn to listen to things we don’t want to hear. To accept more words, opinions and feelings in conversations without shaming them or labelling them as ‘triggering’. A lad should be able to cry without being called a snowflake and a girl should be able to express anger without being called a psycho. But here’s the thing, people are going to say these things anyway. People will think these things. We will think these things when uncomfortable emotions come up. We will tell ourselves stories about what they mean about us, deeming ourselves ‘weird’ and ‘abnormal’ and ‘unworthy’ because of strange thoughts and heavy emotions. We will shame them into being wrong.

Banning and censoring words don’t stop people thinking or believing them. In the same way, forcing ourselves to be happy and telling ourselves we are happy won’t necessarily mean we are. I’ve recently heard about this thing called the ‘let them’ theory. If people don’t agree with you, let them. If people are angry at you, let them. If people believe the world is flat, let them. So much of our unhappiness and disappointment is caused by the expectations we put on people and things. But people aren’t meant to be controlled and kept small and predictable. Life is meant to be uncomfortable full of nuances and complexities. People grow and change, surprising us and themselves. Let them.

I think we can use the ‘let them’ theory in relation to ourselves, our emotions and our thoughts. If you don’t like an emotion, instead of trying to banish it, just let them. Let it pass. Let it be there. If you don’t like a thought, notice it without believing it, and let it say what it has to say. Then let it pass.

I’d love for everyone to sit around baking a cake out of rainbows and loving each other in peaceful harmony. But that’s not life – and maybe if it was, we’d get bored. Maybe without any pain or suffering, life would have no meaning. Without disagreements, we would have no individuality. Without anger and passion, we would have no change.

Rejection is scary, but it can only happen when we are vulnerable. Vulnerability is risky, but it’s a reminder that we are alive and connected with humanity. It’s the only chance we have for real connection and love.

Words can cause hurt but we have a choice in whether we want to believe them or not. Whether the person saying them holds enough value in our life to impact us.

Sometimes words hurt because they’re what we need to hear. Sometimes they hurt because they are revealing our biggest fears. They hurt because they are telling us where we need to heal and do more work. Be curious, but don’t always believe everything you hear and feel.

So next time you are pissed off at someone for acting the way they did, or the next time you judge your own emotions, remember, at the end of the day,

we are all just trying to keep ourselves safe.