I spent the first two weeks of the new year away in solitude with cats. After writing this, I know I’m risking being labelled a crazy cat lady, but I’m about to explain why this was the best decision for me.
Christmas was way more social and intense than most weeks of the year. I met people I hadn’t seen in a long time. I stayed up way past my bed time every night and woke up way past my wake up time. I was in crowded rooms with lots of small talk and deep talk. Overindulging and overconsuming. Loud music and laughter. It was all lovely and fun, but by the end, it was a bit much. My immune system was acting up with coughing and sneezing. I felt exhausted and unable to think for myself. I was struggling to form sentences. Thank God I booked a two week period away somewhere new – a quiet remote scenic part of Germany before I could get sucked into the mayhem of New Years. The only company I had to be in was cats and trees.
My trip started on the 31st of December with one night in Frankfurt. When booking it, I thought maybe I’d want a night out for new years in the city before heading off into the countryside. But the things is, as soon as I got to an empty hotel room, my body instantly sunk into the safety of having nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to meet. I felt so relieved that I didn’t care about the countdown. I spent my new years alone eating takeaway pizza, creating a vision board and watching the Avicii documentary. I watched fireworks going off above the city from my window view and felt so grateful.
I decided that I was going to stay away from social media during my two weeks away. I didn’t want to be watching other people’s lives and feeling mine was less meaningful. I didn’t want to be seeing people being productive, wondering if I should be producing. I didn’t want to see people with their families and friends and loved ones, feeling I was lonely. I didn’t want to witness edited videos of celebrations, questioning if it’s weird that I’m not doing that. I knew that more noise wasn’t going to help me start the new year as me. It wasn’t going to help me connect more with myself and the world around me. As I explored a new city on my own, I saw couples holding hands, kids exploding with laughter, friends whispering and pointing at things. I didn’t feel one bit alone. Everything felt more real and it was so refreshing to see people’s interactions outside of a screen. To see glimpses of everyday humanity and reality. People yawning and sighing. People laughing and smiling. People lost in their phones or newspapers. People with headphones on walking around alone. People in groups taking up footpaths. The real shit you don’t fully experience on a screen. The shit I sometimes miss when I’m so caught up in the midst of it. Forgetting to take a look around and notice it.
Over Christmas I got to interact and be a part of all this. But after new years, I got to take a backseat and soak it all in. This helped me reflect on all the love and beauty in my own life. I wrote a VERY rough first draft of a book, which was my hope for this trip. I felt so inspired and excited since I had all this space to write and create after weeks of busyness. I wrote and sipped coffee. I watched full movies without distractions. I slept LOTS. I allowed myself to rest and not do anything. I sat on the couch and felt the cats purr on my lap and just rested my eyes watching the sky outside. I cooked full meals and I cleaned up after. I sat outside and looked at the sky. I listened to the rain. I lay on the couch wrapped in blankets and felt like a little kid again. I cycled around with no set destination, feeling the cold air hit my skin, noticing the birds squawk. I ran baths for myself, then watched the snow fall outside while soaking in the bubbles listening to an audiobook. My mind got busy sometimes and I just noticed it and allowed myself to rest, knowing my mind isn’t always my friend. My mind isn’t always right. I reminded myself I don’t always have to be doing something.
Friends and family asked me what my plans were, if I was meeting anyone or doing anything on my trip away. I felt uncomfortable saying “no”, wondering should I be doing more or socialising more? Then I remembered that this was a trip for me. To give myself space. A solo creative retreat. There were no rules. No itinerary list. It’s okay to just be happy out sitting in the company of animals and nature, creating and reading. Sometimes I feel I need to leave my familiar world to switch off fully and just simply be.
Without social media, there was no comparing. I could hear myself more as they days went on. I let go. I’m not saying that getting off social media will feel all tranquil and bliss. Over the last two years, I’ve gotten more used to spending periods on my own from solo traveling. I’ve slowly eased myself into meditation and reading more. These sound relaxing, but nobody tells you that in our fast paced modern world, they actually can feel really uncomfortable when we aren’t used to them. Discomfort is a big part of these experiences, but discomfort is just a part of living. This two week period to myself helped me ease into the new year in a more peaceful connected rested way, especially after a period of busyness. And you know what? Maybe I wouldn’t have appreciated it as much if I hadn’t been so busy beforehand. Maybe I wouldn’t have easily fallen into a restful creative state. But what good are maybes?
I felt excited getting on my flight home. I was full of love and energy ready to connect back with humanity. I felt lucky. I felt alive.
A Good Kind of Scary 